Friday, December 19, 2008

this year's Christmas poem

I wrote a few poems last winter, and I was feeling creative yesterday so I wrote this one:

'Twas a week before Christmas,
And I'm still obsessed
With getting all my shopping done,
So I won't be so stressed.

The snow keeps falling
Slowly and softly down,
Which makes it hard
To get around the town.

But then what to my
Wandering ears should I hear,
But a radio advertisement
Crucial to this year:

"Are you tired of all
The cold falling snow?
Does it make you feel
Like you don't want to go

Out in this bad weather?
I have an answer for you!
Online shopping is the
Only thing to do!"

Away to my computer,
I ran in the house,
Pressed the on button,
And grabbed at the mouse.

I sat and I waited,
For the websites to load,
Hoping that I could wait,
And that I wouldn't explode.

Still waiting and waiting,
I came to the conclusion
That high speed internet
Was the solution!

So away to the phone,
I flew like a flash
Calling all the internet providers
With flair and panache.

But to my extreme
Frustration and dismay,
No one could come until
2 o'clock Christmas Eve day.

But as we all know,
In this this age and day,
That it really means
They won't get here 'til May.

So back to my computer,
I turned with a sigh,
Depressed and hopeless,
And trying not to cry.

So I sit and I wait,
And I am waiting still,
Playing minesweeper and solitaire
As I have a ton of time to kill.

I wait and I wait,
And I wait and I wait,
Hoping the websites will load
Before it gets too late.

The next thing I knew,
My family is here,
Whistling and shouting
And calling "Happy New Year!"

"What?!" I cried,
As they ran out of sight,
I had been sitting at the computer,
Until New Year's night!

"Where had the time gone?"
I wondered out loud,
But I just shrugged and
Went out to join the crowd.

So Christmas had come and gone,
And I am sorry to say
That there were no gifts
From me on that Christmas Day.

Next year, I vowed,
I will be better,
Maybe everyone will get
A brand new sweater!

My apologies I give you,
And also I will say,
I hope you had
A wonderful holiday!
What do you think?

Christmas eating tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving fudge.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-oholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day??
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"