I've always had such a hard time dealing with change. I just want some things to stay the same. Even when the changes don't necessarily affect me directly very much, I start panicking. Like if a friend or family member gets married or has a baby or gets a new job or is moving, it makes me panic a bit. I think part of it is jealousy when it is something I wish I could have or do, which is something else I struggle with a lot, and part of it is that I fear the unknown and how things will be different, and how that particular person may not have time for me, or that our relationship won't be the same. Logically, I know that a lot of these things are good, and I should be happy for that person, but I really struggle with it at times. I don't know why. I don't want to feel panicky and jealous, and honestly, I do want people to be happy, but I still struggle with letting that feeling overcome the fear and panicky and jealous feelings, and then I feel awful and guilty for not acting as happy for other people as I should. Maybe I'm just a selfish person.
I don't know why I'm writing about this, other than it is something that has been on my mind lately.