I've put off writing this post for quite awhile. I've known what I should write about next, but I just haven't wanted to do it. But I feel like it's time. And this post is mainly for me, so if you don't make it to the end, it's understandable.

When I last wrote, my dad was going in for some tests. The results were what we had feared - prostate cancer. It had already spread past his prostate, so surgery wasn't an option. But the doctor said that while it is an aggressive form of cancer, and doesn't respond very well to treatments, it's also slow moving, and healthy men can live 5-10 with it without many problems. So we went with the doc's advice, and were not going to treat it for a while and see what happened with it. The doctor even said that he would most likely pass away from his other health problems before the cancer would get him.

The morning of July 8th proved just how right he was.

Just after 4am that morning, I heard my dad moving around quite a bit, so I got up to check on him. He had fallen in the hallway, and I couldn't get him up. So I woke my mom, and together we tried helping him. After a few minutes, he stopped responding to us, and then he stopped breathing. The paramedics came and tried helping him, but there wasn't really anything they could do.

I had texted Gaston when we couldn't get Dad up, and surprisingly, he texted me back right away. He said his eyes had flown open about 5 minutes earlier. He came right over and stayed all day and came over every day after that for the next week or so. I'm so grateful he could do that. He helped with anything we needed, and took us out to dinner. I wish my siblings could've been there more. I know they had work and kids to take care of (not everyone could take 4 days off from work like I did - so grateful to have an understanding boss/company), but I know it would've helped my mom to have them there more.

The next days were hard, of course. The viewing was Friday night, and the funeral that Saturday. I was surprised at how ok I was at the viewing. I did well until my best friend who I've known since I was 6 got there. She hugged me and that's when I lost it. But I made it through. The viewing before the funeral was harder. But it surprised me at some of the people who came, especially some of my dad's former Cub Scouts who I didn't recognize. And it also surprised me that some people who I thought would be there, weren't. I'm not upset or anything - it just surprised me because I would've liked to see them. But perhaps they had other things on and just couldn't make it.

The funeral was nice. My brother and my uncle spoke, my other one read the obituary, my sister played the piano (the same song she played at her husband's funeral), and my other sister and I just sat there and listened. I'm glad I didn't have to do anything. I don't know that I could've.

Now, we're just getting used to the new normal without my dad around. Time does make some things easier. But I still miss him. I miss him saying hi to me and asking how work was. I miss seeing him working on his word searches at the table. I even miss him watching dumb shows on tv.

I just miss him.

dad

This is my dad.

He's got a bit of a goofy grin in this photo, but it's kind of his personality all the same. :)

I took this photo on his birthday a week ago. 

There was a time just over eight years ago where we didn't know if he would make it to his next birthday. He had an infection that lead to an anoxic brain injury. After about three months in hospitals and care centers, he was able to come home. His life, and our whole family's really, was quite different after that. He had driven himself to the hospital in April, but when we brought him home, he could no longer work, drive, walk without a walker, or use his hands very well. He also has short-term memory loss and trouble speaking. But he is still with us, and that's the most important thing. I am very grateful for that.

The last few months, he has had some other health problems. He has to go to the doctor for a test tomorrow. I'm hoping and praying that the results are something that is easily fixed, but I know there is a very real possibility that it is something very serious. I'm worried.

things I want to remember

My bro-in-law's (LP) funeral was a week and a half ago. To say his death was unexpected and a shock to the whole family would be a complete understatement. There are some things I want to remember about the funeral, so I thought I'd make a note of them here while I think about it, and since it's convenient.

*sitting next to my 11-year-old nephew, Connor, during the viewing, talking to him, watching him play games on his Kindle, trying to solve brain teasers from a book he had

*watching my 16-year-old nephew, Taylor, sit on the other side of Connor until people started coming for the viewing. Then he got up and went to stand next to his mom without anyone telling him to. He just did it. He has a new level of maturity about him that I hadn't noticed before. I'm sad that he had to grow up and be the man in the house so quickly.

*the family prayer my bro gave

*walking into the chapel and seeing the impressive line of a dozen or so pilots on the stand. Seeing them standing there, mourning one of their own, made me cry.

*my sis playing "I Stand All Amazed" on the piano

*my sis deciding at the last minute to speak. She read a post from her blog called "Dear Taylor and Connor"

*the Bishop telling how he was in California when he heard the news of LP's death, and so he drove home as fast as he could. He said he even got his minivan up to 90 at one point, and somehow he knew LP was proud

*the Bishop telling of a girl who was watching the house next door to LP and Tammy while that family was on vacation, and when the girl went in the house, she discovered the back doors were wide open. She got scared and went to my sister's house. LP answered the door, and she explained what was going on. He told her to wait there, got one of his guns, and checked out the house. Everything was fine, however. He only took a pistol with him, but I still picture him charging next door with one of his big guns like some kind of action movie hero.

*the Bishop saying how he called LP before calling my sis to serve as Primary president, and asking if he would support her in a big calling that could take up a lot of her time. LP's answer "Absolutely."

*the rainy day, just like a funeral you would see in a movie

*the love a lot of people have for my sis and the boys

*my other bro's prayer at the graveside

*watching the casket being lowered into the ground

*the slideshow shown at the luncheon

*hanging out with the fam at my sister's home after it was over

*Gaston by my side throughout it all

*how hard it was to leave my sis and my nephews. I can't even imagine how hard this is for them. I wish I could do something to make everything better, but I know there's really nothing that I can do, except pray.

For more of Tammy's story, go to tammystimeflies.blogspot.com (Some day I'll figure out if it's possible to add links via the app)